There are very few questions Google can’t answer, and one of them is: ‘Am I an Alcoholic?’

A lot of people didn’t know I had a drinking problem. Only those really close to me could see it, and even many of them had no idea. I almost had no idea. Except that I did have an idea.

I’ve googled ‘am I an alcoholic?’ a number of times over the years, the first of those times being in college. And usually I didn’t quite match the definition according to the internet, so I kept on drinking. Plus, there was always someone worse off than me, and no one was calling them an alcoholic. So surely I was OK. And then inevitably, after a bad run with alcohol, after a blackout, after swearing I was going to stop after a few drinks but couldn’t, I’d hold my breath, open my computer and google those scary words hoping to GOD it would not confirm what I felt in my bones… that me and this substance did not mix. That it was already causing problems in my life, even at a very young age of 19 or 20. And then, I hit ‘enter’ and much to my delight, the internet (and probably some of my own denial) usually convinced me I was fine.

If you google ‘how do you define alcoholism,’ here’s one the first things that comes up:

“According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, drinking is considered to be in the moderate or low-risk range for women at no more than three drinks in any one day and no more than seven drinks per week. For men, it is no more than four drinks a day and no more than 14 drinks per week.”

Three drinks a DAY and seven per WEEK. Well… what kind? Beer? Liquor? Wine? Champagne? What if I drink none during the week but then have like 7 in one sitting — guess that’s cool, then? Well, I don’t drink 3 drinks EVERY day, and sometimes I’ll go days without drinking at all. Then I’ll have 7 in one or two sittings. Also I guess this definition also knows my body weight, BMI, family history, and all my mental and physical health records — WOW THE MAGIC OF THE INTERNET.

This outdated and completely misleading definition, I’m sorry, shouldn’t even exist. OK let’s keep searching.. what else does the internet say?

“Alcoholism, now known as alcohol use disorder, is a condition in which a person has a desire or physical need to consume alcohol, even though it has a negative impact on their life.”

So I guess we’re calling it ‘alcohol use disorder’ now. That’s at least a more approachable label.

Hm. Okay well that’s sounding a little more like me maybe… BUT I don’t physically have to drink. I don’t get the shakes or have to drink in the morning, and it doesn’t ALWAYS have a negative impact on my life, at least not from what everyone else can see. So I’m cool, right?

“A person with this condition does not know when or how to stop drinking. They spend a lot of time thinking about alcohol, and they cannot control how much they consume, even if it is causing serious problems at home, work, and financially.”

OK parts of that sound more like me, BUT I could still argue I’m not an alcoholic because there are no serious problems at home work and financially — quite the contrary, those parts of my life are going well. It’s just in my inner life, in my own head, where things seem to be deteriorating and I feel scared and lost and alone and addicted and lacking self confidence and worth and spiraling down this blackhole of drinking more and more over the years but HEY who cares about that if my outward life looks fine, right?!

Okay one more.

“For most adults, moderate alcohol use is probably not harmful. However, about 18 million adult Americans have an alcohol use disorder (AUD). This means that their drinking causes distress and harm. AUD can range from mild to severe, depending on the symptoms. Severe AUD is sometimes called alcoholism or alcohol dependence.”

Cool, so it’s just little ol’ me and 18 millions others in this country — at least I’m in good company. I don’t think I’m at the severe end of the spectrum, so that’s a relief. But on the other hand, it’s not like someone wakes up and is a severe alcoholic one day. Clearly, and I imagine very slowly over many many years, they travel down that continuum. Maybe not everyone makes it that far. Maybe a lot of us stay floating in the ambiguous middle, the purgatory, of our drinking “causing distress and harm” forever. But at least we’re not alcoholics, amirite?!

The point is that every time I googled it, and even still when I do, the internet convinces me that because I’m not having physical withdrawal, that because no one has done intervention with me, that because I still have a job, a husband and money… that I… Laura Bingham.. can’t be .. GASP… an alcoholic. But then, there are pieces of those definitions, pieces people’s stories I hear through the grapevine or on the internet, that cause that little inner voice to say “Hey, Laura… that part sounds a little familiar, yeah? A little like you… ”

But historically, that voice is quickly cut off by this increasingly louder voice saying:

“WTF SHUT UP. Tons of people’s drinking habits are similar, and often worse, than mine and they don’t have to quit! If I’m an alcoholic.. you’re basically saying that there are millions of ‘normal’ alcoholics just roaming the streets out there in broad daylight and don’t even know it? Is that what you’re saying?!”

“Well first of all.. um, yes. And second of all, who cares about them? This is about you.”

Bottom line is that asking “Am I an alcoholic?” is the wrong question, and the wrong approach. Someone who is abusing or has a dysfunctional relationship with alcoholic asking if they’re an alcoholic is frivolous effort — the addict part of you will ALWAYS convince you that you’re not. So don’t even give that little shit a chance. Ask a different question.

Is alcohol adding value to my life? What could I do with all the mind share that is currently being controlled by alcohol — by thinking about alcohol, anticipating a drink, or having a drink. Where would that energy go if it wasn’t spent on something alcohol related? I have no idea. And I would like to find out.

Even as I write this, one of me is actively trying to convince the other me that she has a problem with alcohol, REGARDLESS of what the internet says and how she compares to others, and her life can be better, she can be better.

The other me, well, she just wants a mimosa. But it’s OK, she tells me, because you’re not an alcoholic.