100 Days Ago: What Would it Look Like if I was Honest with Myself?
“Too many Americans have become self-centered and overly materialistic, more concerned with our possessions and individual careers than with the state of our neighborhoods, cities, country, and planet, closing our eyes and hearts to the many forms of violence that have been exploding in our inner cities and in powder kegs all over the rest of the world. Because the problems seem so insurmountable and because just struggling for our own survival consumes so much of our time and energy, we view ourselves as victims rather than embrace the power within us to change our reality.”
-The Next American Revolution: Sustainable Activism for the Twenty-First Century
What would it look like if I was honest with myself?
100 days ago, honesty would look like knowing that sometimes I drank too much, but that I wasn’t an alcoholic. Knowing that I couldn’t always control how much I drank, but that I wasn’t an alcoholic. Knowing that I acted like a different person when I drank, but that I wasn’t an alcoholic. Knowing that I didn’t drink as much as so-and-so, so I wasn’t an alcoholic. Knowing that sometimes I could moderate, so I wasn’t an alcoholic. Knowing that I never drank in the mornings or every day, so I wasn’t an alcoholic. Knowing that I only drank wine and cocktails, so I wasn’t an alcoholic.
I knew I wasn’t an alcoholic because my behavior didn’t match the mainstream nor my definition of an alcoholic (i.e. someone who has hit rock bottom, lost nearly everything because they are physically dependent on alcohol).
100 days ago, honesty would look like knowing I had white privilege that attributed to much of my success, but that didn’t mean I was a racist. Knowing that I was in HR and advocated for diversity & inclusion, so that meant I wasn’t a racist. Knowing that even though I was from the deep South, I managed to become and gravitate to like-minded liberals, so that meant I wasn’t a racist. Knowing that I had black friends and engaged with them in discussions about race, so that meant I wasn’t a racist. Knowing that I hated the symbol of the rebel flag, so that meant I wasn’t a racist.
I knew I wasn’t a racist because my behavior didn’t match the mainstream nor my definition of a racist (i.e. someone who consciously and intentionally seeks to hurt people based on race)
What does honesty looks like today?
Hi. My name is Laura and I’m an alcoholic who is complicit in a racist system.
I will explain these definitions
Alcohol Use Disorder (aka alcoholism): A pattern of alcohol use that involves problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol, continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems.
Racism: In an interview with the author of White Fragility, Robin Diangelo says “Racism is the foundation of the society we are in.” She says, “…racism is what happens when you back one group’s racial bias with legal authority and institutional control… When you back a group’s collective bias with that kind of power, it is transformed into a far-reaching system. It becomes the default. It’s automatic. It’s not dependent on your agreement or belief or approval. Nice white people who really aren’t doing anything other than being nice people are racist. We are complicit with that system. There is no neutral place.”
So basically, I’m racist alcoholic. Got it.
So what changed between my 100 days ago reality and today? The circumstance didn’t. The facts didn’t. The truth actually didn’t change either. My interpretation of the facts changed. My understanding of the truth changed. And the implications changed.
I have accepted the truth that I have a problem with alcohol, and I have accepted the truth that both America and myself have problem with race. That the fabric of our American systems are woven together by racist policies, laws, bias and discrimination. But is that in and of itself enough for me to care enough to be part of long-term, sustainable change?
What would it look if I was honest with myself about what Black Lives Matter really means to me?
If I was honest with myself, I would say that it shook me to my core that a police officer stood on George Floyd’s neck in broad daylight for 8 minutes and 46 seconds, ending his life.
If I’m honest with myself, I did the black square, donated, signed petitions, and bought racism books partly because it was the right thing to do and I want to help, but partly because it was convenient. Because if I’m honest with myself, I didn’t do any of this when originally hearing about the deaths of Breonna Taylor or Ahmed Aubrey or several other Black lives over the years.
Because if I was honest with myself, a lot of this had become normalized and I had become desensitized to it, and, it was not happening to me.
I see the impoverished neighborhoods where most Black Americans live. I have known it’s unfair. I know, and even more so now, that the prison system system is disproportionately filled with Black people. I know inner-city schools are underfunded and under-resourced, and that mostly Black and Hispanic students attend them. I know that many White families purposely move to areas where the school are “good” which coincidentally means not moving to neighborhoods that are majority Black. I know that cops are killing Black men more than anyone else and I know it’s because of racism. I don’t need to say more. You have images in your head of the inequity in our country. You know it’s there, because you’ve seen it. Because you live in it. And now you tell me that Black Lives Matter, or even that All Lives Matter. When this is how Black America is living.
Saying Black Lives Matter feels dishonest when it only feels like they matter enough to really get involved when we’re bored, out of work, at home, when it’s convenient. It doesn’t mean we don’t value human life, but it means we didn’t value it ENOUGH to devote to helping uproot the system that is imprisoning a group of people in this country.
As a white person, I’m already free. This isn’t my fight, but it is my problem, and I cannot and will not let our Black neighbors fight it alone.
Please let’s not let progress in 2020 be about a new technology that delivers a taco directly to your mouth by drone, sending more shit to space, or robots making your coffee. Progress is letting humanity motivate decision-making and laws. Progress is dismantling systems that were built in direct contradiction to ALL LIVES MATTERING .
Let this revolution bring about innovation and evolution of the mind, not technology and industry. Let it be about critical thinking, questioning, and challenging. We don’t need to build anything new — we need to look at what we’ve built and ask if it’s really working.
Let us dismantle the lie that this country’s very fabric was sewn together with: That race determines human worth. And let the motivation that led our country to believe that lie, greed, be left behind forever.
And years down the road in a classroom, the teacher will say “2020 was a turning point in this nation’s history. The events that year led us to where we are today.”
It’s up to all of us to fill in those pages.
